LIAR, LIAR, LIAR…
I wasn’t married until now, I wasn’t a father until now, I wasn’t a Liar until now.
A story- saleable, the biggest lie ineffable, a tale - untold, a memory – infallible, a bank- unbearable, an employee- culpable….
A story- saleable, the biggest lie ineffable, a tale - untold, a memory – infallible, a bank- unbearable, an employee- culpable….
The above sentence seems to be senseless unless related in the context. Let me not play with words any further but to divulge the biggest secret of an honest liar.
CHARACTERS
Md. Azharuddin Khan - The honest Liar
The BIGG BOSS - The HOD, marketing & sales – Middle-aged, heavily accented speaker and a strict task-master.
(A very difficult person to get along with, he has more foes than friends. The BAAP of the marketing & sales division)
The Wife - Who never exist
The child - Who was never born
The roommates - The support unit
The friends - My savior
PART 1 – THE GENESIS
An aspiring MBA graduate landed in a Bank’s job who had committed to himself not to sell financial products but ended being in the business. But I kept the promise by not selling what was ought to be sold. A sudden rush to popularity and expectation surrounds me in my new work-place. After striving 4 months on the job, I was seeking some refreshment.
The day my roommates were leaving for their native was the day which marks the beginning of the biggest lie ever told. I was sad because my buddies will be away for a couple of weeks and I will have no one to share my every day’s misery. One of my buddy told me that why don’t I come along with them. Since they knew I was really pissed off with life & work and needed a break badly.
I wonder how on earth is that ever going to be possible. Since I’m new to the work and no leave will be granted for at least 6 months. An idea clicked (though not a very innovative one but often it works), how about using my grandfather’s life, which was lost some 20 years ago, as an excuse for a short vacation. I’M SORRY GRANDPA… The call to manager in a melancholic tone did the trick and was granted leave for some days. Woops, I was off to KOLKATA…
PART-2 – BACK TO MUMBAI
It was always pathetic to come back leaving the comfort of home. But did I ever have a choice. I was in no mood to go to work and face the same nasty people who had made life miserable apparently. The news was my immediate boss is on “Mandatory Leave” (MANDY- as they call here which they think is “COOL”). I tried to take advantage of the situation and remain mostly at home since I had no one to report to. The frustration & rage was gradually piling on since I had no clue where my career was headed. A peek into Facebook was even frustrating when you find your batch mates doing wonderful. This continued until the day the Call from THE BIGG BOSS happened.
PART-3- THE TELECON WITH THE BIGG BOSS
Azhar: Hello, Good morning Sir.
BIGG BOSS: Where have you been? Why are you not reporting to work?
Azhar : Ummmmm….Oh…..Sir, I’m going through an extremely bad patch in Life. I’m not able to get over it.
BIGG BOSS: What’s the matter? Even I lost my Grandfather but I was over it in a couple of days.
These things happen in Life. It’s not a valid reason to display unprofessional behavior. I will ruin your career. You are trying to act smart with me.
Azhar: Sir, It’s not about my Grandfather’s demise. But the event which happened subsequent to the death of my Grandpa is the cause of my condition.
(My spontaneity was at work. I was trying to make random stories)
I STARTED CRYING OVER THE PHONE (without any reason) TO SAVE MY ARSE
BIGG BOSS: (Now calm) Azhar, until you tell us, how we will be able to help you. Come and meet me right now and let’s discuss.
Azhar: OK, Sir.. I will be there in an hour. Thanks for being so supportive.
PART 4- THE GENESIS OF THE IDEA
I knew I was screwed unless I’m able to convince the BOSS about my condition (which was never there). I had to discuss this with my roommate. He took it light-heartedly and said “Bol de teri Girlfriend ki Shaadi hone wali hai”… BANG. First, it appeared to be childish & illogical. But this could really be my contraceptive if I’m able to prove my Love for the Girlfriend who never was. I got dressed and ready to leave for a meeting which could divide my life in two half. The entire journey was spent planning on what to say, how to say, when to say, how much to say, when to stop, my life if I’m busted. Man, I have never ever done something so freaky in Life. The conclusion was that I had no clue of what’s going to happen in the next one hour. I may just chicken out.
I knew I was screwed unless I’m able to convince the BOSS about my condition (which was never there). I had to discuss this with my roommate. He took it light-heartedly and said “Bol de teri Girlfriend ki Shaadi hone wali hai”… BANG. First, it appeared to be childish & illogical. But this could really be my contraceptive if I’m able to prove my Love for the Girlfriend who never was. I got dressed and ready to leave for a meeting which could divide my life in two half. The entire journey was spent planning on what to say, how to say, when to say, how much to say, when to stop, my life if I’m busted. Man, I have never ever done something so freaky in Life. The conclusion was that I had no clue of what’s going to happen in the next one hour. I may just chicken out.
PART 5- THE MEETING
BIGG BOSS cabin: “Knock, knock”
Azhar: May I come in, Sir? (Sweat was dripping down my arse)
BIGG BOSS: Come in, how are you now? Are you comfortable speaking here? Or shall we go out?
Azhar: Outside would be better, Sir.
(We ended in the nearby Ice-cream stall)
BIGG BOSS: So tell me Azhar what’s bothering you?
Azhar: Sir, I’m really not sure whether I should say what I’m gonna to. But I trust you. I don’t know where to start from… Well…… (Should I or should I not… FUCK, Do I have any choice. )
------------------------------THE FICTIONAL STORY-------------------------------------
Sir, I was in a serious relationship with this Girl who I met in Bangalore. I spent 3 years in a live-in relationship with her. Now, she is getting married. Her brother got to know about “us”. And he forced her to leave Bangalore and get married ASAP.
BIGG BOSS: Really sad to know that. But you could have eloped? Why care for the world if you genuinely loved each other?
Azhar: Sir, it happened without any notice and I didn’t have the time to take any action.
BIGG BOSS: Where is she now?
Azhar: I don’t know. But she got married two days back. The problem was that she is a Brahmin and
nothing on earth could convince her parents to see “us” together.
BIGG BOSS: So what now?
Azhar: I have no clue. I don’t know what to do. I’m going insane.
BIGG BOSS: I certainly understand your state of mind. And Our Company would go to any extent to see if you are comfortable & recovering. But this cannot justify your behavior towards work. Everyone goes through personal issues but you should not mix it with professional life.
(I knew I was failure in convincing him and he was certainly suspicious of my story. I had to do better to save my already sweaty arse)
Azhar: Sir, there is something more to it.
BIGG BOSS: What now?
(After a long pause)
Azhar: I also got a KID.
His reaction was such that he just saw Osama and Obama shaking hands.
BIGG BOSS: What are you talking? How did this happen? How can you be so dumb? Didn’t you use precaution?
Poor Azhar: (I was digging my own grave)…. This happened during our live-in thing. No, I was foolish not to take any precautions.
BIGG BOSS: You could have got it aborted?
(Right question, why the FUCK didn’t strike me)
Azhar: We could have. But she developed some gynecological complication and I didn’t want to risk any surgery and stuff. It was too late by then. (DID I really say it.. Yes, I did.. FUCK lies are piling on)
BIGG BOSS: Man, what are you going to do now? Where is the Kid?
Azhar: I really don’t know. My Kid is in Bangalore in my friend’s custody.
BIGG BOSS: Whaaaaaaaaaat your friend is raising your kid? I have never heard of any friend who will go to such an extent to help another friend. He is a real gentleman.
Azhar: Sir, I have some really trustworthy & loyal friends.
BIGG BOSS: Is it a Girl or a boy?
Azhar: Boy
BIGG BOSS: How old is he?
Azhar: (After a quick math): Approx. 2 years
BIGG BOSS: What’s his name?
Azhar: Sir, Shadab (Who is a family friend of mine. After he got to know it, jokingly, he passed comments on my ability to produce someone like him)
BIGG BOSS: Do you want to raise your kid the way you were bought up?
Azhar: Certainly Sir, but I don’t know how?
BIGG BOSS: After understanding your situation I feel the only person who could help you at this hour is your parents. Have you spoken with them?
Azhar: No Sir, I don’t have the guts to confront my parents after what I did.
BIGG BOSS: “Do din marege, do din gali dege, (They will yell at you). But when they see your kid they will be happy to see their first grandson”..
Azhar: Are you sure Sir, that I should do it.
(My balls was almost in my throat)
(My balls was almost in my throat)
BIGG BOSS: Yes, Azhar. You will find peace. Why don’t you leave for your home town tonight & relate it to your parents. Just drop a call & tell them that you want to speak something important.
Azhar: Sir, if you are saying so then I must. I got very little choice.
BIGG BOSS: If you want we can also transfer you to Bangalore where you can be with your kid.
(GOD, not again. Bangalore has been really kind with me. I don’t want to pitch financial products in Malls & kiosk in Bangalore again. I need serenity not another city. )
Azhar: Sir, I think it’s better if I speak with my parents first. So I shall leave for Kolkata today itself.
BIGG BOSS: Right, but speak with your parents before you leave. If you want you can use my system to book your tickets.
THE BIGGEST SHOCK WAS YET TO COME
------------------------------------DEATH-BELL RINGS------------------------------------
BIGG BOSS: Why don’t you call your mom now? Tell her that you are coming.
(I knew he is trying his entire people management skill to validate the story. For a moment the world stopped moving rather I stopped responding to the environment. The thought of telling my mother about something like this was the last thing I ever wanted to do or say, living or dead)
Azhar: Sir, I will call her little later.
BIGG BOSS: No, do it now. I want to see that everything is fine before you leave.
(My instinct failed to work any longer, my mind was bogged and I was losing my ability to think. I froze my ground, managing a fake nervous smile was what I could do the least). I regained strength & pulled the f*****g phone out of my pocket.
Azhar: (On the phone) Hello Mommy.
Mom: How are you son? You generally don’t call at this time. Is everything fine?
Azhar: Yes, I’m coming home tonight. I want to talk to you and papa about something important.
(DEEPER SHIT, Now the BIGG BOSS wants to speak with mom)
Azhar (Whispering to BIGG BOSS): Please, don’t tell her anything about the matter. She will not be able to absorb the shock over the phone. I will speak with her once I’m home.
BIGG BOSS: (On the phone) : “Namaste main “@#$@#$%” bol raha hu, Azhar ka manager. Azhar bahut pareshan hai. Use aap logon se kuch baat karna hai. Please uska problem shamajhiye. Zyada gussa mat kariyega. Galti sabhi se hoti hai.
(Hello, I’m “@#$@#$%”, Azhar’s manager. Azhar is very worried. He wants to tell you something very important. Please, try to understand his problem. Please don’t get mad at him. Everyone makes mistakes. )
Mom: (Misunderstood him for a friend of mine) “Aap mere bête jaise ho. Bataiye kya baat hai” . (You’re like my son. Please tell me what’s the matter? ).
BIGG BOSS: “Main 35 saal ka hu aur main Azhar ka manager hu”. Talk to Azhar. (I’m 35 years old and I’m Azhar’s manager).
Azhar: “Mummy main aapko wapas call karta hoon aur sab kuch shamjhata hoon. Sab kuch thik ho jayega.”
(Mummy, I will call you back and explain everything. Don’t worry everything will be fine.) Call disconnected.
BIGG BOSS: Ok, Azhar. Leave asap and call me once you have spoken with your parents. In case required, let me speak with your mom once you’re home.
Azhar: Thanks a lot Sir; I shall remain indebted to you. END
Mom repeatedly kept calling. I had to call her back and explain. But what? Enough was enough. Further lies could be fatal. I took the bold step to confess it to my mom.
----------------------------------THE CONFESSION CALL---------------------------------
Azhar: Mummy, pareshna mat ho. Waisi koi baat nahi hai. Main yeh job chorne mang raha tha. Par mera manager mujhe bahut zyada pasand karta hai aur mujhe chorne nahi de raha hai. Us liye mujhe jhooth bolna para. Aur ek jhooth se dusra jhooth aur main phas gaya.
(Mummy, don’t worry. There is nothing to be concerned about. I wanted to quit this job but my manager is very fond of me and he is insisting on not letting me go. That’s why I have to lie. And the lies kept piling.)
Mommy: Par tumne aisa kya bola, ki woh bahut pareshan ho gaya.
(But what did you tell him. He sounded so worried.)
(But what did you tell him. He sounded so worried.)
Azhar: Mujhe kuch shamajh nahi aa raha tha. Maine use bola ki meri girlfriend mujhe chor kar chali gayi hai aur mera ek baccha hai use.
(I didn’t knew what to say. So I told him that my girlfriend has left me and I have got a kid from her.)
Mommy: Tumhe duniya mein aur koi jhooth nahi mila. Yeh bahut galat baat hai. Mujhe tum par shuru se shak tha jab Danish (my cousin who used to live with me when I was in Bangalore) ne mujhe kuch is tarah bataya tha.
(You could have told him anything else in the world but this. This is very wrong. I was always suspicious about you when Danish had told me something to do with your girlfriend)
(“DANISH TU MARA”).
(DANISH, YOU'RE DEAD)
Azhar: Nahi mummy Danish Mazak kar raha tha. Aisi koi baat nahi hai.
(No mom, Danish was just kidding. There is nothing of the sort. )
Please mummy, mujhe maaf kar dijiye. Main bahut sharminda hoon. Main aap se jhooth nahi bolna chahata tha. Us liye maine sab kuch aap ko bata diya.
(Please mom, forgive me. I’m very embarrassed of my act. I didn’t want to lie to you. So I told you the truth.)
Mommy : Accha thik hai. Agar tum galti kar hi diye ho aur sharminda ho. To ab kya kar sakte hai. Ainda kabhi aisa kuch sunna nahi chahiye.
(OK, IF you have already made a mistake, nothing much could be done. I don’t want to hear anything like this in future)
Azhar: Thank you mom. I will call you in the evening. Call Ends.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now the big question is that my manager wants me to go to Kolkata and talk to my parents. And I have an interview to attend in the next couple of days. Also, the BIGG BOSS was scheduled to go to Bangalore the next week for a visit. He may ask to meet my friend & see my son (who wasn’t even conceived).
The entire evening was spent on planning how to cover up the lies & not go back home. Finally, I gave up thinking and left it on my fate to decide.
Part 7- The next morning
It was 8 a.m. I couldn’t get much sleep. I woke up early. My frequency of smokes has touched a new height in the last one day. I had to do some “Jugaad" (arrangement) in the next few hours. What’s better then calling a friend who is hypothetically raising my kid.
============================ CALLING BANGALORE ===========================
Azhar: Hello, “*****”. Kaisa hai bhai . (Hello, “********”. How are you bro? )
Friend : (Still in sleep) Bata kya baat hai subah subah bhai bol raha hai.
(Tell me what’s the matter that you are calling so early and addressing me as a “bro”.)
Azhar: Bhai, bahut musibat mein ho. Madad kar.
(Bro, I’m in deep shit. Please help me)
Friend: Bol kya hua. (Tell me)
Azhar: Bhai ek do saal ka baccha jugad kar sakta hai ek din ke liye. Jo paisa lagega main donga.
(Can you please arrange for a two years old kid for a day. I will pay any amount).
Friend: Kya tu subah subah pi ke rakha hai. Pagal ho gaya hai.
(Are you drunk early morning? Are you gone crazy.)
Azhar: You know I don’t drink and I’m serious.
Friend: Ok, Tell me what is the matter?
After I told him the incident, he couldn’t believe. He was laughing relentlessly. He said he will try to find out but can’t promise. Call Ends..
Part 8- The Final nail in the coffin
I had to call the BIGG BOSS and tell him something. But I don’t know what. After analyzing all the pros & cons of every excuse what could possibly be my savior. I chose one. Time for super-over.
============================= THE_FINAL_CALL =========================
Azhar: Hello Sir, How are you?
BIGG BOSS: I’m fine. Where are you? Did you speak with your parents?
Azhar: No Sir, I’m still in Mumbai.
BIGG BOSS: Why didn’t you go to Kolkata?
Azhar: Sir, actually my mom was very worried and she told my uncle, the decision-maker in my family, about the call and then he called back. I told him everything and he was really mad at me. But he told me not to tell my father at this time because he has recently lost his father (Remember my Grandpa’s story in the beginning). And he will not take my surprise sportingly.
BIGG BOSS: Then what are you gonna do now?
Azhar: Sir, he told me to quit my job in Mumbai and come to Kolkata along with my Kid. And he shall speak on my behalf.
BIGG BOSS: Oh, What favor do you need from me?
Azhar: Sir, you have been really kind & understanding. Just a smooth exit will be good.
BIGG BOSS: Don’t worry I will speak with the HR myself and ensure hassle-free exit.
Azhar: I can never repay you for all your favors.
BIGG BOSS: I will be happy if you keep me posted on the development. Also, if you feel like you can come back anytime and pick the job from where you left.
Azhar: Certainly Sir. Good bye.
Henceforth, I didn’t ever report back to work. Even my salary was processed for the last month. On the final day, I visited my office and thanked the BIGG BOSS. He wished me best wishes and shook hands.
Part -9- Conclusion
My intention to narrate the story was not to feel proud or show-off. But an earnest apology to the BIGG BOSS. My biggest lesson was never to lie, especially with your superior. I feel ashamed & sinful of my act. Readers please think twice before you lie. No one can win through deceiving anyone. People may think differently about me after this but yes I have the courage to admit my mistake and move on. Feel free to criticize me or the story. But I will remain thankful to everyone who took time-out to read the story.
My intention to narrate the story was not to feel proud or show-off. But an earnest apology to the BIGG BOSS. My biggest lesson was never to lie, especially with your superior. I feel ashamed & sinful of my act. Readers please think twice before you lie. No one can win through deceiving anyone. People may think differently about me after this but yes I have the courage to admit my mistake and move on. Feel free to criticize me or the story. But I will remain thankful to everyone who took time-out to read the story.
